thefrogman:

I enjoy abusing new features on Facebook. 

thefrogman:

Longcat is long, but that wasn’t always the case
For when he was born, he was barely a face
His body looked shrunk; he was really quite small
Longcat was not very long at all

The doctors all worried he may never grow
His parents were sad and hoped that wasn’t so
But as he got older, his length did not increase
And when at the playground, the children would tease
Saying: “Longcat’s not long. He’s short as can be!
I’ve got hairs on my head that are longer than he!”

The words that were muttered made Longcat quite sad
He prayed to be longer, if only a tad
Determined to grow, he took matters in his own paws
He tried all manner of things to help his lengthy cause
He stretched and pulled and took vitamins by the pound
He tied weights to his legs and dangled high above the ground

But nothing was working, he was out of get-long schemes
He had almost abandoned all of his get-long dreams
But while taking a walk, with his head hanging low
He noticed a something that might make him grow
It looked old and spooky, like some carnival game
Inside was a genie. Zoltar was his name
It asked for his wish, with its eyes all aglow
“I wish to be long. Can you please make it so?”

Zoltar shaked and quaked and rumbled and grumbled
Longcat became startled, and to the ground he tumbled
Then he came to his senses, and looked down at his feet
But they were no further… Zoltar was a cheat!
To bed Longcat went, with the grumpiest of moans
But the magic was working, tingling in his bones

The very next day he arose with a yawn
To his surprise he was looking down at his lawn
He had grown out the sides of his home during the night
As he basked in his longness, he was filled with delight

Longcat was long! His wish had been granted!
Zoltar the Genie was indeed enchanted!
But there was a catch to the wish he received…
He grew longer and longer each time that he breathed
Looking at him before, he seemed just a speck
But to look at him now put a kink in your neck

He grew…

And grew…

And grew…

And grew…

When he would stop, no one knew.

People came from all over to see his awesome size
And many did faint, they could not believe their eyes

Longcat’s endless length was getting out of hand
He had grown much longer than he ever planned
“I’m much too long! It’s quite lonely in space.
Now I long for those days when I was barely a face.”
Longcat held his breath in the hopes to ungrow
And to his great surprise, his expansion did slow
As he proceeded to shrink his immeasurable girth
He began to de-long his long way back to Earth

He realized he could be any length he could wish
As tall as a building or as small as a fish 
Once Longcat had reached a more reasonable size 
He realized being too long was really unwise 
“To be ‘Just long enough’ is just fine with me… 
Being super long isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” 
Longcat was grateful to be any size he desired 
And vowed only to lengthen to the size he required

All was right in the world; the children no longer teased
Longcat is long. And for that, he is pleased

thefrogman:

There is something wrong with this banana. 

thefrogman:

That’s pretty new.

thefrogman:

Met this pale girl on OkCupid. We went for a brisk hike in the woods. 

thefrogman:

Frogman does fashion.

thefrogman:

A dark look into our distant future. 

thefrogman:

I’m confident this guy is a jackass. 

thefrogman:

I’ve got this dark blue ocean down here, but I’d rather put these white letters over the goddamn sun. 

thefrogman:

Previously…

thefrogman:

I immediately regret this decision. 

thefrogman:

Mitt addresses women’s issues. 

thefrogman:

I’ll do my best. 

thefrogman:

Shortly after, her head exploded. 

thefrogman:

Fair and balanced.