This is not one of those essays where I aim to change anyone’s mind, because with this topic, either you will immediately stop listening or you already agree with me and I am just preaching to the choir.
But an oft-mentioned topic de jour has been gay marriage*, after the US president proclaimed his support of the institution. So, of course, all manner of rejoinders bled from the woodwork, a few obvious and often mentioned. Here are my three favourites.
“If we let gays marry, then people are going to want to marry goats.”
First of all, there aren’t millions of people clamoring to marry goats. Second, a goat or a bridge or a carrot cannot reasonably consent to marriage. Third, the desire to marry is not rooted on a sliding scale of permissiveness; that’s like not letting people own dogs in case people get the idea that this means that they’re also allowed to own large packs of wolves.
“Marriage is a religious institution, not a civil one.”
REALLY? A religious institution that has CIVIL BENEFITS? That’s WEIRD. How fucking CONVENIENT that you get tax breaks and hospital visits and shit and then second someone else wants in it’s some secret tree house club that only you’re allowed into because JESUS. SHUT UP.
“Marriage is between a man and a woman.”
ONLY BECAUSE YOU SAID SO. THERE’S THAT FUCKING SECRET TREE HOUSE BULLSHIT AGAIN.
“You’re only allowed in if you have PINK underwear. You don’t have pink underwear.”
“I’m wearing pink underwear right now.”
“THEY HAVE TO BE HOT PINK, YOU SLUT.”
Why don’t you just admit you don’t like gay people? Seriously, why is it so hard for you to admit that you don’t want to grant civil benefits to people because you’d rather pretend they aren’t real people with lives and desires and commitments of their own? Seriously. You’re not obligated to accept everyone** but don’t pretend it’s because marriage is this super holy rite and then hog the VERY REAL government benefits. NEWSFLASH: Gays don’t want to get married because they want to crash your special party. They want to get married because they don’t want to be with the same person for forty years and then not get to visit them in the hospital, you fucking bigot.
*: “The issue of gay marriage. Or as I like to call it, ‘marriage’. You know, because I had lunch this afternoon, not gay lunch. I parked my car, I didn’t gay park it.” - Liz Feldman
**: Unless you’re, you know. A Christian.
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